Respect your elders. That’s what Mom and Dad always taught me. My family and my ancestors have worked hard for years – nay, hundreds of thousands of years – to put me in the position I’m in today, with the advantages I have today. And I thank them for that.
So, as a proud member of species homo sapiens, why the hell would I eat dirt – except maybe once as a dare on the playground in North Carolina? My ancestors worked like hell to evolve and give me a delightfully omnivorous diet. Why would I add dirt to that? What am I, homo erectus? (I don’t have anywhere to go with that. I was just looking for a way to work in the words “homo erectus” so I could giggle like an 11-year-old. Mission accomplished.)
That’s why I don’t like beets. Because I respect my elders too much. Mom, I know it may have looked just the opposite when I was a kid and stared defiantly at that cold, red pile on my plate, leaking its colorfully toxic seepage out across every other part of my dinner. But that’s just you taking the short-sighted view, Mom. Get over yourself and look at the big picture. Our ancestors didn’t climb down from the trees to shovel down a fistful of dirt. They climbed down looking for Doritos or Funyuns or Laffy Taffy or something good.
Corinne and I tried beets today with lunch, just to see if age and wisdom may have tempered our palates. Maybe we’ve both been wrong on this one all these years…
Nope. This just in: beets still suck.
They’re nasty, they taste like dirt, and they stain anything with which they come in contact. Sure, they’re healthy as hell, but that doesn’t make them good.
So we’ll stick to juicing them. They still taste nasty that way, but at least you can cover it up a bit with ginger and apples and berries and honey and God-knows-what-other-ingredients.
Worms eat dirt. Despite several accusations to the contrary, I am not a worm.
However, if you just need to have beets, here’s a recipe just for you. Yes, I’m now a recipe blog. You’re welcome.
The Only Way To Eat Beets
What you’ll need: A juicer and a blender
• 1/2 – 1 beet
• 1-2 apples
• 2-3 carrots
• 1/2-inch slice of fresh ginger root
• 1 cup frozen berries
• 1-2 cups coconut milk (the kind in a milk carton, not canned)
Juice the beets, apples, carrots and ginger root. Place the frozen berries and coconut milk in your blender and start mixing. Add juiced fruits and vegetables and mix again. Makes 3-4 servings. Want to con kids into trying it? Add some whip cream to the top.