Remember that book I said I was getting started with on Valentine’s Day? (I’m working on it! Slowly.) I’m starting to rethink my subject. (Not that I’ve totally locked into a subject in the first place.)
I think I should write a diet book.
My diet plan will be brilliant, and it will work every time. Guaranteed. Just wait’ll you hear it – you’re going to love it! Oh, I wish I could tell you about it now, rather than you having to wait till I’m finished writing the book… What’s that? You can keep a secret? Oh, I guess you do look like the trustworthy type – and, just looking at you, to be quite honest, I can tell you need this wisdom I have to give.
Okay, I’ll tell you. Are you ready? Here it is.
You can eat all you want of anything you hate.
Get it? So if, for example, the thought of warm brownies buried in ice cream, covered in whipped cream and swimming in hot fudge and caramel turns your stomach, then tuck in, it’s time to eat. Hurry, before the melting ice cream cools your brownie all the way off!
Hey there! Can’t stand fried chicken? Here’s a whole, steaming bucketful – eat all you want!
On my diet (which, as of this writing, does not yet have a catchy name, so please comment with your suggestions), there are no limits but one. It’s just that simple.
Bacon-wrapped wienies? Well, if they make you gag, then here’s a crockpot full!
Christine’s fantastic cheesecake? Sure! But only if the very sight of it starts you to retching. (Oh, who am I kidding? Everybody loves Christine’s cheesecake!)
What’s that Mr. Golic? Pot roast? Absolutely! (But only if the mere smell of pot roast happens to start that little twitching in your nose that triggers a subtle catch in the back of your throat that you know is going to set off that spasmodic jerking of your diaphragm – spilling this afternoon’s Subway Footlong up, out and all over the offending dish.)
America’s ready for this. It’s going to be huge. I can tell that this is a skinny country trapped in the body of a fat country. And all the nation is waiting for is this key to unlock the door to weight loss.
My biggest problem is that I’ve just completely laid out and described my diet plan in the space of this blog post. Now how do I fill the REST of the book? (sigh)